Thoughts and Feelings
by Ice Godess
Summary: Hilary's life is hard. This is all her thoughts on life and death.


This is a small story from Hilary's POV. Kai/Hilary Hope you like.

_**VV**_

"Hey Kai, are you hungry?"

"No."

Ya, I know. He's not the most social person ever. But I still like him. Kinda hard to see hu. The bossy bitch Hilary and cold aragent Kai. Ya, I know what

everybody calls me. I'm not as stupid as I look. I can hear the whispers that follow me down the hall. Sure I'm bossy but, is it really necessary to call me

a bitch. Man. Nobody can ever understands me. Not like anybody tries. The bitcy, bitch of the class. Damnit. I'm gona cry now. And Kai's right here.

One slip and I'm busted. Stupid emotions. O great. Now Kai's watching me. I can feel his eyes on my back, as I fix myself lunch. I wonder what life

would be like if I was dead. I hesitate as I pick up the knife. It would be so to die now. Just stick it in my heart. Kai's not that fast. Naw. Not now. Not here.

Kai's already giving me weird looks. O crap. He's suspecting something. I brought the knife down. I turned around and looked at Kai. He's close. To close.

"What do you think your doing?"

O crap. "Nothing that's any of your business."

"Weather you like it or not you're part of this team. You're my concern."

"You wouldn't understand." Nobody could understand. Not even Kai. I wanted to tell him so bad. Have somebody that would listen to me. Maybe, someone to hold.

Someone who cares. Ha! Stop day dreaming Hilary. That would never happen.

"Hey. Just in case you want to talk. I'm here."

O god. I feel to the ground. My back on the cool wood. Tears streamed out my eyes. I cried for hours in an empty kitchen.

_**II**_

I cleaned myself off before dinner. I felt better after crying my eyes out. To bad my eyes are all red and puffy. Betch only Kai notices. He's the only one who ever

does. O god. I'm falling for him. Hard.

_**II**_

I can't sleep again. Too busy thinking about all the crap in my life. And heaven. I wonder what it's like up there. Is it really as great as people think? Then there's Kai.

He's the one thing that makes me want to live. Everything else in my life sucks. My parents, if you can call them that, are barley home. Even when they are, they're

always drunk. My friends. Ha. What friends. The Bladebrakers. They aren't true friends. Yet there as close as friends come for a girl like me. My story's much deeper

than that. I love to day dream. Just because. It gets me to a place no one can hurt me. Where I'm alone and at peace. My day dreams are the only place I can smile

for real. My thought's turn to Kai again. Why do they always do that? Why him? Why anyone? I wish I could stay away from people. I wish I didn't know people. Way

less pain that way. People are nothing but trouble. There just flesh, bones, and lies. Out to hurt me.

I think I'll grab a midnight snack. That usually makes me sleep. It's actually not that quiet here at night. With Tyson's snores and Max's music you really can't hear anything.

"He he." I haven't laughed in a long time. O crap. I hope no one heard me. Anytime I do laugh it sounds weird. Kai's room. I seem to make a habit of stopping in front of

his door. Half the time, during the night, I do lay my forehead against his door. Like I'm doing now. I think, I think he smells like winter. How the hell did I come up with that!

I wish he could hold me. Make me feel safe. Damnit! Go fix your snack Hilary. What do I want? O, I know. A pb and j. With milk. I haven't had that in years. And it's quick

to fix. A radio. Should I? O why not. Now can I find it? Yes. Epp. Too loud. Too loud. I don't think anyone heard that. I hope not anyway. I like country music. It calms me

down. I think, other than Kai, music has kept me alive. There all done. I'm going to eat my sandwich down here. Some more music. Keep myself calm.

"I thought I heard someone." O shit. My knees are gona buckle. What the? Kai? O god. I'm in his arms. He must of caught me before I fell. O god. His eyes. I'm standing

on my own now. I can't help it. I grab onto his shirt and buried my face into it. I can't help it. I start crying. I can hear him trying to calm me down. Some words and

rubbing my back. But I'm not listening. I can't help it. I need this. I need to feel like I'm loved. Even if it's fake. I'm going to cry myself to sleep. In his arms no less. I don't

care. I burry my face deeper and continue crying.

_**II**_

Man, who turned out the light. Whose clothes are these? I didn't fall asleep in these. Wait a minute. The last thing I remember-! O god. This is Kai's room! I'm in his

pajamas.

Holy shit! Where the hell is Kai? I'm-! O. Kai. Aww. He looks like an angel sleeping. For once! O my god. He's shirtless. Ok Hilary. Keep calm. Why is my waist so warm?

He! His! Hand! He's holding me! O my god. I've never been one to daydream, so this can't be a dream. Ouch! Yep. Definitely not a dream. I should go. Kai's arm won't

budge. Aw. There. Out. "Sorry Kai." I whisper before I slip out the door and into the night.

_**II**_

Another odd thing about me is how I like the wind. So I'm on the porch now listening to the wind howl. I changed out of Kai's pajamas and into a thin white cotton skirt

and top. The wind keeps playing with my skirt. Lifting it up and down. When I was with Kai all I wanted to do was curl up to him and fall back asleep. But I knew I would

just be putting myself up for heartbreak. It could never work. Never. I'll just look to the wind for comfort and cry myself to sleep every night. As usual.

**_II_**


End file.
